My Path to Self-Destruction

And how I got dumped

Woah, ok friends. It has been a while.

At first I stopped because I didn’t want my adoring fans to become overwhelmed with the amount of content I’m posting, and then I stopped because I became overwhelmed myself.

I had some pretty high hopes and dreams for this year that I really felt I couldn’t accomplish alone. I needed my boyfriend to be there to help me accomplish them. Well, he just didn’t want to be there anymore. Well he didn’t, and then he did, and then he didn’t again (X5!). I don’t need that kind of flakiness in my life, and so out he goes.

He did give me one good piece of advice: he said that I should talk about all of this with my best friend before I made a decision. He seemed to think that he would somehow still come out on top in a frank conversation between me and my best friend? Anyway, she said run, and the funny thing was, that as I was telling her all of the sordid details, I didn’t even need her to tell me to run because I already knew it by how cruel and insensible the whole thing sounded.

Somehow, I feel this is an improvement from past incidents because I got out before things got ridiculously out of control, and I had a sense that I was being manipulated so I didn’t fall for any nonsense.

All that being said, he left me with some fine words of parting to remember him by:

He shamed me for my past sex partners and listed them off to me.

He told me he was the most accommodating and wonderful boyfriend I could ever have, and I would realize that after I get used by another man or three.

Saving the best for last, he told me that I am bent on a path of self-destruction.

(Oh, by the way, he is subscribed to this blog, and I’m not sure he can't help himself from reading this, so hiiiiiiii!!!!! Yes, you are the villain of this story.)

Some of you might say, oh this is the idle nonsense that men say when their fragile masculinity is in question.

I think that’s definitely true, but still it got to me.

Am I bent on a path of self-destruction?

He told me not to chase after him or he swore he would break my spirit.

Don’t worry man, I’m running as far as I can in the opposite direction, but still I have felt that my spirit is broken a bit, worst of all broken by this mean-spirited person.

I had a conversation with a friend about this today, and he said, “Rachel, I’m worried about you. You let your relationships make you so sad.”

That’s true. I do do that….

He also said, why don’t you focus on things you can control and not worry about this nonsense. (I'm pretty sure he thinks I don't listen to his advice, but here's a whole blog post about it.)

Agreed. Let’s go.

Some things I can control:

1. What I eat

2. The people I surround myself with

3. How often I exercise

4. How clean my apartment is (when no one else is around)

Its not a particularly long list, but it is a start.

My super ambitious meal prepping diet was well, exactly what it sounds like, and just too tricky for one person by herself…if I want to do anything else with my life besides cook and think about cooking. I am going to do some of the dinners each week, but for breakfast I will stick with some Greek yogurt, granola and a banana. Its Lean Cuisine for lunch. That stuff is low on calories but seems to be pretty high in salt, so let’s see if I really want to stick to that. Its at least a plan to get things started.

Today, I had the most amusing call from a friend asking a favor. I love it, I love the favor, I love her for asking it, I love the reason behind it. It made my day. We now have brunch plans for Saturday, and I will enact the favor. Its nothing illegal, I promise, but it is of a rather sensitive nature not intended for the internet.

Dating apps are toxic. Yes, you can meet some nice people on there, but for every one nice person, you have to put up with 10 disappointments and/or jerks. I don’t have time for that anymore. I have removed my accounts. If you are in my life and we met through a dating app, clearly I still want you there. However, there will be no new men. (UNLESS anyone knows Dev Patel and wants to introduce us. Then I am so down.)

Got good people surrounding me, boom.

I got a gym membership since I can no longer mooch off of my boyfriend’s but I have yet to use it. Tomorrow is going to be the day, right after work. For today, I went to my favorite prairie park for a jog/fast walk. It had been too long since I spent some quality time outside. Winter is my favorite season and I love to surround myself with the prairie grasses of the park, thinking how it must have been to travel in this land in days gone by. Everything is brown now and some going to seed, but I still think it has a rustic beauty all its own.

I motivate myself by listening to this running playlist on Spotify called “Runner’s Club 1

60 BPM”. 160 BPM is also great dancing music so I heard an eclectic mix of everything from The Boys are Back in Town by Thin Lizzy (ironic, I know) to In the Mood by the Glenn Miller Orchestra.

I was jogging in my favorite place in Champaign listening to In the Mood and it felt to me that all of those tall grasses were cheering me on. There is sadness, and there are people who really enjoy messing with your head. There are also cheerful tunes, hopeful winter afternoon and the promise of another day.

Its all about enjoying the little things.

A few other little things I enjoyed this week:

• Watching my cat entertain herself pushing this ball round and round in its groove

• A really great spa afternoon

• The misspoken phrase: “I know a thing or few”

• Listening to old LPs with a good friend

• Getting complimented on my hair style

• Discovering I’ve lost 5 lb

• Dancing in the dark to a cheesy song (not Springsteen’s Dancing in the Dark)

Am I on the path to self-destruction? It certainly doesn’t feel like it in this moment. I suppose only time will tell.

I think I might stick to the prairie path instead.